"I Don't Care"

This whole year my life has completely changed. From having my grandma pass away to leaving the school and town I was raise up in. Honestly, I have kept a good attitude about it.. For the most part. But in the past few months I have not been. 

Honestly, I think the pain became more real and.. I started to push out the pain as best as I could. Ignore it. Unfortunately, this didn't have the effect that I thought it would. I've grown a little cold. I have caught myself becoming careless about what I'm thinking. Over and over I have been telling myself, "I don't care." 

After "not caring" I guess you could say I started to believe that I didn't care. After this.. I started to become more numb than ever. 

Now, I believe that everyone has a moment like this or two.. Where they feel like a robot or that they are in a dream. I have had this happen to me. But this... This is something completely different. 

Have you ever went in an out? You felt as if you were floating and the world was not there? Blank mind.. No feelings. Nothing. 

Yep.. That's what I'm talking about. That has been me the past month or so. It just kept getting worse and worse. 

Honestly, I don't know if anyone will even read this... Considering I haven't posted very many frequent posts on this blog. But if you are reading, keep listening. What I am about to say may do something in you.

Sometimes I would feel everything.. And it would hurt. It's like a simple emotion could wreck me. Other times I felt nothing at all. My mind would go blank, and then I snap out of it. Yes, I am okay. I guess it just took me realizing something for me to see what was happening to me.

After opening up to a really good friend about what I was feeling, I realized that wha was happening to me was not all in my head. Honestly, I thought I was crazy. But, it turns out that he understood. He went through it, too. This completely changed my perspective. 

Days after this, I opened up to three other people that I trusted about what had been happening. All three of them had been through the same thing and understood me word for word. I think this is what woke me up. I am not crazy. I am not alone.

The devil does that a lot. It's one of his things.. To make us feel alone. Even if we aren't sitting there thinking, "Gee, I'm alone," we could still be believing the lie that we are. When we think we are alone, we shut people and anything out. 

I don't even know if I am read to post this yet, considering I am still figuring this out. But, I'm going to do it anyways.. Just in case someone is going through the same thing that I have been. If you feel numb.. You can still feel. If you can still feel... You're still here. If you're still here... You're here for a reason. Do NOT give up. 

If you are reading this and you felt God move in you and around you, or you have been dealing with this too... Feel free to share or message me in the comments below. Jesus is not a lie. He is real and by this you know that is true. 

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 

(James 1:2-3 NKJV)

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. (James 5:16 NKJV)

Blessings, 

Kristin :*